my diary_

我爱我的星座: 天生相克的星座

2011-02-24T00:33:00.000-08:00

我爱我的星座: 天生相克的星座

Valentine's Day - R&B Songs to Say I Love You

2010-09-11T04:08:00.000-07:00

Jessie Malakouti key to the city

2010-09-11T04:07:00.000-07:00

top 5 r&b love songs 2010

2010-09-11T04:04:00.000-07:00

想你，却不打扰你，是因为太爱你了(Specially for WL)

2010-08-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

如果我能回到从前，我会选择不认识你。

不是我后悔。

是我不能面对，没有你的结局。

从此以后，我们的幸福，与彼此都无关了。

原来“爱”这个字，与我是遥不可及。

静静地想着你，放上一段优雅的音乐。

你的身影很模糊，你的脸庞很朦胧，但这并不影响我想你的情绪。

我没有很想你，只是在高兴的时候会想起你，你是我第一个想要分享的人。

我没有很想你，只是在不高兴的时候会想起你，你是我第一个想要倾诉的人。

我没有很想你，只是在听歌的时候会突然想起你，不为什么，只因为那歌词里写的好像我和你。

我没有很想你，只是在早晨醒来的时候会突然想起你，不为什么，只因为梦里出现的人好像你。

我没有很想你，只是在看书的时候会突然想起你，不为什么，只因为那那书中的主角好像我和你。

我真的没有很想你，我只是在走到某个路口的时候才会想起你，我只是看碟看到一办的时候才会想起你，我只是听歌听到一半的时候才会想起你。

我真的没有很想你，我只是在不想想你的时候才会想起你。这样真好，我没有很想你，我只是想你想到眼睛湿润。

想你，但却害怕让你知道，所以不敢也不会打扰你。

只有把你的信息藏在手机里，像你的时候把它们都翻出来慢慢的看，细细地品，然后就不停地在偷笑，悲伤。

只有把你想听，喜欢听和经常听的歌下载，保存起来，哪怕是几首普通的歌，还是我不曾会听得曲风，都会不厌烦的重复性的播放。想你的时候把它们翻出来放上至少一遍，久久不肯停止，细细地品味。

只是在我看到你在线Facebook，当时的我有多么的想你，多么的想关心你，但我还是没办法让你知道我有多想你。我没办法打扰你，也没办法让你觉得我的关心是压力，全因你有你的忙碌与奔波。

只有在每个寂静如水的夜里等你的信息，反反复复的检查是否有新的信息显示，当你的延迟回复让我以为我的手机发生故障了。

等来了，心里是一阵莫名的喜悦与激动，但压抑着满怀的高兴给你发去淡淡的问候ˎ淡淡的玩笑ˎ淡淡的吵闹。

等不来，就只带着一丝淡淡的惆怅，在半梦半醒中睡去。

在没有你消息的日子里，只有拼命地找寻你的点滴ˎ你的照片ˎ你的videoˎ你的blog，装作若无其事地打听关于你的一切，然后竖起耳朵听他们说着你的点滴，把这些点点滴滴全都刻在脑海里。

我一直比你想象的更加爱你，可是我却不能告诉你。

抬头望着这个城市的云，呼吸着这个城市的空气，也会想起你。

此刻，我想你，但只是想你，而不打扰你。

七夕情人节

2010-08-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

In such a memorable day, the person came across my mind is you. Although you do not accept my love and I force to forget you but deep in my heart I know that I still could not forget you. Many of them may not believe that I fall in love with a guy so quick. Actually, do you know that the person I keep ask from GOD is just exactly like you. You have all the criteria I want. If it is say that you do not meant for me but why you should have all the criteria I want? After the day that you refuse the love from me, I keep thinking what's the exact problem about me that you reject my love. I thought of that I am not enough pretty, but at the end I think I know what you are worrying (Maybe). You are worrying that if we are on a relationship how could we maintain our love right? cause we are in long distance relationship. I'm in Penang and you are in KL. Perhaps you are true. Did you think that I never come across this matter before I tell my love to you? I did. I don't care about that but why won't you? I am dare to take risk, you are a guy but why you are more scary cat than me? My friends always said that if a guy is meant for you then he won't make you sad and will always there for you. Overall, the guy will back to you if he is meant for you. I always believe in this but when will this happen to me? I know this is the time for me to pray harder and let GOD hear my voices of my heart but what should I tell GOD? I want a guy like him or I want him badly? Or I should ask that is it I really meant for alone until I die? What I want is so so so simple. I just want a guy is an Christian (same POV), able to communicate well, love family, hardworking, enthusiastic, having same interest like me, taller than me, thin, love delicious food like me and creative-minded. One of my friend told that this can be fulfill by any guy but why there is no one except him?

April 28, 2010

2010-04-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

"他不再是我的，我告诉自己别再傻了....曾几何时我们是相爱而且又甜蜜的情侣....现在他已经不再爱我了...曾告诉自己是时候把他忘了...好讨厌现在的自己....无论我做了什么，他还是不曾在我记忆里消失...理论上，我是该把他忘了，再找个新的来疼自己...如果能这么容易就忘了我们曾有过的记忆，那我对他的爱不就是说说而已?我是否该存有一切关于他的记忆??曾试过让自己忙得透不过气，让自己没有时间停下来想他。到最后，更忘不了。稍微有一秒的停顿让我更想念他。曾经有人告诉我，要把一个你所爱的人忘了，就只有两个方法。第一就是让自己忙碌，可我试了还是无效。第二，就是找个人来爱。当我跟他分手后，我就找个比他条件更好的男人来拍拖。相处了一段时间，我发现我更忘不了他。能不能告诉我，到底该怎么办我才能不需像现在这么痛苦？有试过做自己开心的事，笑一笑就会慢慢忘了。但，夜深人静时，我就会开始想起他。身边所有的朋友都觉得我们分手好可惜，甚至有人说我怎么可以这么轻易把他放走。我提出分手只是要他开心，而不是因为我们的关系耽误到他找到比我更好更适合的伴侣。我的朋友都说我该向他解释我的立场。当我要向他说明一切时，他就抢先告诉我他已经找到女友了。我说我还爱着他，我跟他分手都由我自己的原因。又曾试过挽留不过，他的意志好坚定，甚至还叫他的女友说服我放手吧。。当一个人不再爱你了，我就不想勉强她留下了。他甚至还说他愿意当我的性伴侣如果我需要的时候。。我的反应比较慢，也就还跟他的女友谈心事。到现在还是一样。有时，他的女友还向我投诉他们之间的问题。。虽然我的立场不该再跟她有任何瓜葛了，可是整件事上，她没错。过了半年了，他已经走出了我们之间的过去，但我还是活在过去。每当他的照片出现在我的FB wall 我的心情瞬间又因为他而改变了。有些时候，我真的好想告诉他，我不在乎成为他的第二个女友。可是如果我这么做，三个人都会受伤。现在的情况或许对我来讲很痛苦，可至少我已经把伤害降到最低，不是吗？我还是会为了他流眼泪。前天，我做了一个决定。我也不肯定到底对吗。我告诉他，把我的FB delete and block include MSN too..然后，叫他的女友不要再告诉我所有关于他们之间的事情。我告诉他，我没有那个勇气这么做，其实是在我心里，我非常地不想这么做。可是，如果我没这么做，我会疯的。希望他会吧。想想，我跟他分手后，我变得更爱去喝酒，CLubbing and dance...有时，我还傻得认为他会回到我身边。所有人告诉我，如果有一天他回头，我不该接受他了。因为他的爱是如此的不坚持。当时的他，过不了几个星期，他就有了新欢。他为了我流泪一天一夜，我却为他流泪正正两个月。到现在，每当他浮现在我脑海，我的眼泪会不由自主地流下。上帝说过，他所爱的子民的眼泪是为了上帝而哭。或许上帝给我的考验。上帝让我明白什么是真爱。所有上帝未曾答应的爱情都一路不好走。上帝祝福的爱情是会让彼此越爱对方，而且更加的亲近上帝。虽然一路上必有考验，但是只要上帝祝福的爱情，都会一一克服。在这事情上，我学会了“等待”。等待上帝的回应，上帝的安排。

April 24, 2010

2010-04-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

"At tis moment, I cry 4 u..Can u feel my pain?Can u c d wound in my heart??u cried 4 our past 1day but I cried for it almost half a year....I knw I should 4get it,but is it so easy s hw u overcome dat??I'm still holding the faith that I'll find some1 dat realy love me n if u r meant 4me, u will back 2me.Both of these faith dat I'm hold still brought me here..But I hav no mor strength to hold it anymore...Perhaps what Zul said was right..Cry out loud helps."

April 22, 2010

2010-04-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

Burning oil in the mid of night not a good feels especially having sore throat and no fan exist at the same time. With the bored feel, I took few pictures using my webcam. Here some.

April 18, 2010

2010-04-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

April 18, 2010
Almost half year he found his new love, my heart still pain and feels like crying soon after I see his picture appears on my wall. Am I emotional because of the incident that my best friend facing now or I still love him? I always imagine that, if we are still attached, what will happen. Am I the one that still live in the past since he was able to walk out from the past? Is it that I don’t want to give up or I cannot make it? After so long, there are few friends still can’t get the reason why we both end up like this. Everyone thinks that I dumped him just because I do not love him anymore. I tried to get a new one and proved to him that I can live without him just like how he doing now. But I end up hurt another guy. I tried so hard but why still end up the same? I really appreciate that he accompanied me when my mum passed away. Therefore I understand Lin’s situation that her bf was not here and she really need a strong support but sadly I can’t do anything for her. What I can do is to give her a call and sms to make her comfort. Lin, be strong. Kay? Your family still needs you. Lin, hope that if you read this blog, my advice to you is, plan properly with your future. I know financial is a big problem for you and you trying hard to bring easy life for your family with few job at one day, but please take care of your health too. Do not make the person that cares and needs you worry about you. Kay? Need any advice can call me or leave a message in my FB inbox.
What is the way to forget this love? This love pushes me to unhealthy lifestyle. Ever since that incident, I get to addict on drinking and clubbing as well as rushing to get a new love. Sometime, I even have bad thought to find the way to split them but I have no right to do that because I will hurt him. To love can be to give. As long as the person that you love happy, you will happy. I really wish to have him back but I can’t force this to be happened. If he meant for me, he will back to me. Write until here, I still cannot find my stand. 

February 6, 2010

2010-03-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

January 16, 2010

2010-03-03T06:35:00.002-08:00

Today is the most hardworking day that I had. I get the satisfaction through this while I got my first non-fiction book from CAIS. I swore to myself that I have to remain or get better result than previous semester so that I can reach my target. I set my target as I have to reach 3.5 each semester at least so that I am able to receive first class honor in HRD. Receiving it need not to pay back PTPTN as well as get good job offer. At the same time, I hope that I can get the offering from JPA. Since my STPM result not good, I wish that I could use my first semester’s result to apply it. JPA scholarship is so well and much more than PTPTN. Most important, I need not pay back but got job offering at any that they arranged. Isn’t this nice? I can get my job easily but have to follow their arrangement at least four years. Many benefits I get from it if then I get the offering. I need not have to depend on others but make use with the independent state. I can show to others that even I am from poor family, but I still can succeed. What I need to do is concentrate in study and do not waste anytime on others. Remain the current hardworking state is the most tough work for me as well. I should learn from Naruto, “I am bad at giving up!” in Naruto series. He taught me a thing which even at the very last moment, we should not give up. Even we left 1% of energy, we should try our best to accomplish our task and mission. LORD is the major supportive of mine. I really need HIM to help me in all even a tiny thing.

“GOD is real. JESUS will back to Earth soon. Very soon! Be prepared. (2012) is the warning message from HIM. The messages in it were real.” That sentence should store in everyone of us.

January 1, 2010

2010-03-03T06:35:00.001-08:00

In such a special day, I still could not forget him. I do not want to lie to myself. What in my mind at this moment is him but not the one I have to. Looking at his graduation picture, I start to cry again. Although the pain not that strong as before, regret feeling still in me. I always control my feeling. Joyce told me that I should learn how to let go. She told me that forgiving of someone that you really love is hard but Jesus also forgive our sins and die for us. Forgive does not means that we forget but let go of the harsh feeling. I am still on my way towards forgiving him. Although not 100%, at least more than 0%. I do not know whether you are happy but GOD take you away from me means that I do not deserve for you, vise versa. Is that ignoring can solve problem? His ignores means he does not want to bother me even as a friend? Or he needs to cool down himself and make clear of his feeling? Am I supposed not to appear in his life ever? I know the answer is let it be naturally happen, but how? Time is medicine for me by now. I need more time to cure this pain. Having new bf will help faster or worse and maybe adding one more person in my suffering? I think I should not back to here. Everything I thought was good when I preparing to back here, once I back, everything change. Everything and everyone change. Before this I thought that he will act like a friend to me but he totally changes his attitude towards me. He said, we should be friend but three more days I am going back but he never ask to meet up. Perhaps he does not want to see me. This is the only probability. He is not the one that I love. He is not the one that I know and understand anymore. Perhaps meeting him will make myself more suffer. I should influence the person that surrounding me but not vise versa. ^ ^

November 28, 2009

2010-03-03T06:34:00.001-08:00

“I miss you. I really miss you.” This is what I want to tell you but I cannot do it. I always put myself in this difficult situation. Actually I can do what I want but I not suppose to do that for everyone that involved. I should not be so selfish. I need to think for others. Sacrifice one always better than three of us suffer. Therefore I need to sacrifice. My heart so pain now. Do you feel it? I thought I can forget him. When I meet him on that day, I tried my best not look at him because I scared I will cry. I did it successfully but I can feel that my heart is bleeding. Am I success to tell him that I can live without him? I am contradicting now. I want to be with him but he is not mine from the moment he had new gf. He did this to me now, maybe in the future again. No one can predict. I know is my mistake to let him go easily but I really think for his own good. Why can’t he understand my feeling? Why he never try his hard to understand me? If he uses more of his effort that time, I will not suffer now. Why? I really deserve for it? I try my best to fall in love in other guy but I just realize that it is hard to forget the deep love for someone. It needs time more to forget one person. Everything surround me right now always make me remember about him. I just hope that when I back on the next semester during may, I am able to forget him and will not feel anything when I meet him, I see every news about him and face him with a normal feeling. Why he treated her better than when with me? Sometime, I wonder that is it I’m the only one suffers till now, and he lives happily ever after? What his friend said is right. He is able to face the pain when I asked to break and get his new love. It is true. Therefore, just let me face my mistake alone. Maybe he thought he love me most when with me but realize that he love that girl more now. Maybe he just do what he suppose to do as a bf but now with his new gf is use his real love. I can feel it. Which ever is right not important anymore. He will not turn back to me. NEVER!!!! I just hope now is just a dream. When I open my eyes, he is still beside me. I always hope once I open my eyes from sleep. It is impossible. I should not have this stupid dream. Love is an amazing thing. Love can make one stupid or intelligent. It is depends on the user. Waiting for my prince I need to ride on a horse so that I can reach my destination. Who is the horse? The horses are all my ex-boyfriends. Within these days, I need to prepare myself for the three days in PC fair. I should not be so emotional when I work with him. I need to tidy all my emotional during these days. It takes time but I believe that I am able to do everything with HIM. Am I right, DADDY? Give me more. I will surrender everything that I have. I am desperate for YOU. Halleluyah.....Busying with all personal stuffs really helps. I can forget him temporary and better than nothing. Time pass, I believe that I am able.^.^

November 12, 2009

2010-03-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

Counting the day left to back hometown. One and half days more, I will be back to my hometown, Penang. One semester I’m in UNIMAS for studying. Exciting feeling that I can back home but thinking about I can’t see him anymore as a couple make me feel sad now. I gave up long time ago. I am sad because of regret in my heart. I regret that I should not be so rush to do any decision. If I think for myself and be more selfish, maybe I will not have to suffer in this regret. Sometimes when we think for others, if he or she is happy, is it enough and satisfy? This kind of feeling is hard to explain in words. It is about the satisfaction. Being a sacrificial person is not that easy as others think. I do hope he is living a happy life. I always control not to be existed in his life anymore but I just cannot control myself to go near him and anything about him. I have a stupid action. I always try to be good with his gf. I just don’t know the reason. Am I interested to make friend with her or it is because she is his gf? What should I do so that I can keep a distance from him? Can I just delete everything about him in my life? Physical thing like Facebook, MSN, and everything he gave, I can throw and delete his account in my Facebook and MSN, but the memories me and him together were hard to forget. Now I understand what the meaning of sweet memories. They can make you cry and smile at the same time. You cry because the memories are no more belongs to you. You smile because you have it one in a time. Since this incident, everyone surrounding me tend to push me to a new couple life. Friends, I am okay with current situation. I do not want to involve in any relationship is not because I am still waiting for him, but I just lost the enthusiasm to love, care, miss, and concern about a bf. Maybe I should say that I lost the faith in guy instead. Maybe my prince will appear the next moment, but I am not going to search for it. All the while I’ve been searching my prince, but this time I shall let him search for me. If he is mine, I can have it at the end. GOD arranges everything well for me. Everything HE planned in all of us is exact the time. HE will never let me down if I put HIM first. Putting HIM first maybe difficult for all of us, but trust me, HE will put you first. HE loves us more than HE cans until sacrifice HIS only son to save us, what else HE cannot do for us? Once in a time, I ignore this statement and put self first. At the end, I realize GOD want to give me something but at last I cannot get from HIM because I did not WAIT. Since I came to UNIMAS, I am able to have a wider view on this world. I think I grow within HIM a little more but still not enough for HIS request on me. Am I right, DADDY? I still feel that HE want me to change my attitude but I just cannot do it myself, so he arrange a lot of things happen around me to change me. From the day I was a baby, HE planned that I should come to Sarawak to train my independence. I am able to face all my stress alone, all my assignment alone, friendship, and emotion. I can live without friends’ accompanies.

November 8, 2009

2010-03-03T06:32:00.000-08:00

I lost my mood in studying my final examination in tomorrow time. I keep thinking about the day of going back hometown, what should be done on that one month, and what should be eaten. Thinking of all these make me feel thousand times of excited. It had been six months that I’ve been UNIMAS for the first semester. Once I step on this land, it is no turning back. I need to stay here until I graduate. Seriously, PTPTN itself just enough for paying fees here and has simple or cheap meals everyday. If I wish to go back to Penang, I need to be wised-spend on it. Otherwise, I need to depend on my uncle to pay for it. Although there is someone paying for me but not asking me to pay back, but I could not go back that often.

There were few months that I suffered a lot of missing him and my home. It was the period of time that I feel like dying. No one understands better than me. This is my first time to be so far from home and so long never going back. Few days more, I’m in my home. I am meeting my friends and my family. I need to carefully plan on my schedule for my one month break. I do hope that he will stop reading my blog and keep some privacy for me. I’ve been warn him many times not to read anymore but he still keep with that. What is he trying to do? We are not the relationship that he has to read my blog and know anything from me. Although we are still friend, but who ever on this Earth read will be make no difference, but if he read is totally different story. I do not know how to explain the reason I care about it, but I am strongly dislike he read it. I hope he know how to respect me and himself, not forgetting his gf. I told Lin, she also agreed that I need to warn him again. He goes into my privacy area. What he want from me actually? When I decided to give up of him and do not want to bother him, then he start to read my blog and comment to me. Is it man that cheap? When I want him still and willing to wait for him, he do not want to bother me; when I decide to give up, then he has all these actions?

PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!

You disappointed me once, and please leave me alone. Okay?

Here a quote that so meaningful to me and I hope if he read my blog again, please try to understand the meaning in it.

“如果你不爱一个人，请放手。好让别人有机会爱他。如果你爱的人放弃了你，请放开自己，好让自己有机会爱别人。有些东西你再喜欢也不会属于你的，有的东西你再留恋也注定要放弃的。人生中有许多种。但别让自己为一种伤害。有些缘分是注定要失去的，有些缘分是永远都不会有好结果的。爱一个人不一定要拥有，但拥有一个人就要好好的去爱他。男人哭了是因为他真的爱了，女人哭了是因为她放弃了。”

When you no more love someone, please let him/her go, so that she deserve to get her/his happiness and let someone else to love her/him. When a girl cries is because she really gives up. I cried more than two months because of stupid, sucks, low patient, and low class him. Now when I decided to put down, he comes to read my blog? What his problem? Although I am still love him, but we are impossible. I said to myself, if he turn back to me, I will not accept again so do all my ex. Other I cannot confirm, but he will definitely not doing it again. What is love? My university has a lot of good choice and some chasers, but I do not have any interest towards them. I think is not because of him, is because that I’m no more trust on it. I will wait for him. The “him” that sent by GOD. GOD always wants me to WAIT. Now, I find my peace in HIM though single. I need to stand strong on the conditions of my bf. In previous period, I lost in all relationship. Conclusion, I’m too rushing for a relationship and I never stand strong on my points. I need to change. Well, I’m going to have a short sharing session in RCC next Sunday about GOD’s work on me. I’m excited for it. I’m desperate for HIM. Halleluyah. ^.^

November 2, 2009

2009-11-04T01:41:00.001-08:00

November 2, 2009

Today is our first day of final examination. The first day include the two subject of Tamadun Islam dan Tamadun Asia (TITAS) and End User’s Computering (TMX1010). TMX was what I expected so I’m able to answer well but TITAS all came put from lecturer’s slides which I only focus on text book. Besides that, I’m sick since last night, so kind of giddy during second examination, TITAS. I came out of the examination hall quite early, around 40 minutes after the examination start. What makes me happy was, last night he did send message to me and wished me “good luck”. I do not know what is in his mind and why he wishes me, but I knew that he just try to be friend with me. Maybe what Kenny said were all right. Now, he tries to be friend and follow his plan. He is a well-planned man in all. I do hope that he is serious to me as well. Do I really fall in love with him? Or I’m just lonely and feel happy if there is someone like me and wishes to accompany me? I do not know the answer. Time will tells. What I’m sure right now is I still love him. Although I do still love him but I will not accept him if he’s turn back to me. He did hurt me before because he got a new gf so quick. His supporters said to me that he is well done with facing the truth, but I think he cannot stand on any single day of loneliness. If not this reason, he might not love me with his full heart until he can forget the pain so fast. Or his love can simply give to others. Any else of the reason, he himself know the best. The incident’s main character is back to examination today. As her wish, she is famous among our program. She do not feel any shameful and act like the always. She is lonely. She tries to make friend with all of us but sometime her attitude makes us act. We try to be nice with her all the time but every time she will spoil with her scolding. She does not know how to respect and understand others. In other word, she is selfish and extreme. If she tries to be nice to me then maybe I will tell her what’s wrong with her, but she is not. She did scold all of us like she is the lecturer. What I’m able to do is nice with her when she is nice with me; she try to step on my back, I will fight back until the end. Maybe this sound cruel, but all of my classmates will understand this. Even her best friend also talked bad about her back of her. How could she find a true friend if she never care about others feeling?

30th~31st October 2009

2009-11-04T01:32:00.000-08:00

31^st October 2009

What an unlucky day from 30^th to 31^st October 2009. 30^th October 2009 is our University of Malaysia (UNIMAS), Human Resource Development (HRD) year 2 organize the welcoming dinner for the year 1. The venue is at The Crown Square Plaza. Well. This is quite a good place to be held for an informal dinner but there is a better choice for a formal dinner like The Bonquet. The Crown Square Plaza’s ball room is quite small and yet they collected RM35 from each of us. The food is quite delicious due to our hunger but till the incident happened, most of us lost our appetite to eat. We practiced so many times just to be performed well in this dinner. Her fall spoilt our hope especially mine. I hope I’m performing well in front of him. Well, why do I care so much of him? Since when do I like such a guy? When I look back, I’m just feeling happy that someone tends to interested in me but just that I’m not his type. Deep in my heart, I still love him. When I see he is enjoying his life, I’m happy that I make a right decision. At least he is not suffering with me in a long distance relationship. Although this should not be seen by him, but I believed that he no more bother to be concerned me as a friend. I think he will not bother to read my blog anymore. That’s good. When we love deep, we do not need to keep him at our side. I do warn myself that I only can miss him by sweet memory but not wait him propose me anymore. Even if he looks back at me, I will not accept him anymore though I still love him deep. I need to be stand still and WAIT. WAIT for GOD’s plan. I just do not know how to settle all these, but what I can do for now moment is “just let it’s being like this”. Besides that, 31^st October 2009, is the day when my first time to be in Kuching police station. Due to a car accident, we need to accompany my friend for report. From this, I can make an assumption that rich people are cruel. I need to be always reminds myself when ever I’m rich, have to look at the person. We are just university students, but he wants us to pay everything as he did wrong also. Anyway, I get to protect my friends before the adults came. What an unlucky day for me and my friends.

23rd October 2009

2009-11-04T01:25:00.001-08:00

23^rd October 2009

This is the day when we have our meet with Penang’s Timbalan Ketua Menteri. The students in UNIMAS were invited to go for the dinner. Since my friends which are Sarawakian and also Kuching residents, told me that “The Bonquet” is a very high class place to go. There have a lot of nice foods, and it is true after I have tried it. It was a good experience because we have the chance to speak with him and take a picture with him. One of his helpers reached there earlier before YB told us bad about UNIMAS. The helpers from UNIMAS suppose to be reached there earlier than anyone else but they never reach so they need to change into plan B which is request the students from UNIMAS to be the helper like the MC, representative from students, etc. All these are choosing randomly and volunteer. Lamm. In this dinner, I found out that our Penang government really concern their people especially the students that study so far from Penang. We do appreciate it, Penang Government. Thanks a lot for the “lau hau”, food at the Bonquet, opportunities to let us voice out our problem, service provided in the ball room, and the concern table by table. It is touching when we all go so far from home to further our studies. The Bonquet is having a very good service. After our buffet session, they do prepare the polystyrene box for us to “tapao”. Warm.

20th October 2009

2009-11-04T01:19:00.000-08:00

20^th October 2009

It had been two months since he told me that he got a new gf. I do not understand why I behave like this. This is my first time to take so long time but still can’t forget someone. Last few weeks I thought I might forget him already but it is true until today. I feel like very miss him and want to tell him through my posting but I can’t do this for his sake and my image. I swear I won’t accept him if he turn back to me but I think there is no such word exist in his dictionary. When he decides to go on, then there is no turning back. Someone told me that he keep going on with his new life, so I should not just stay on my present situation. He told me to look forward. I knew I should and must do that but in words is not easy as work it out. I should have study for tomorrow quiz but I can’t make it. I just feel like giving up everything here and back to Penang and continue with my normal life there but I can’t. Sometime, we cannot do things as what we wish to. If I give up study here, I will disappoint a lot people. What should I do? Just leave it aside and focus on my final? I’m trying all the while. Will this success? Time will tells all after final finish and semester 1 end. Sometime, I even dream that this is just a dream, I’ve never been here, and when ever I open my eyes I’m still on my home bed and my sms inbox with his lovely sms. If he read this, I want to tell him that this post does not mean anything. It is just my feeling record. But, I think he will never bother any from me, how could he read my blog? I have no feeling on what he’s doing recently; I’m just a normal missing on him. Do I still love him? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. when ever I’m in emotional will use cry to release and settle the emotional feeling then keep going on with my works, but this time no more tears. Is it because I have no more feeling on him or I’m just dry of tears? In this kind of situation, I should have praying to GOD but I do not know how to speak to GOD. Praying in tongue does not make sense in comforting me right now. I always try to use pray to comfort myself but….try to be active in all sorts of outdoor activities, mix around with my friends, study hard for final, and do assignment, but all these make me happy on that time, after it, loneliness and sadness back again. Peace in my heart is the only way I can do now.

Anyway, today is the last class for English for Professional Purpose (EPP) and had a great presentation today. Well done. Actually I just drop down some point and speak random. Really pray do help. Every time I do my presentation, I prayed, “with YOU I’m able, without YOU, I am nothing. Amen.” That’s how I pray every time. Really success and I make the presentation in my style and smooth. Halleluyah. Before I go up stage for my presentation, for sure I’m nervous but before I go up, I prayed. Once I reached the stage, the nervousness disappears unexplainable. That’s the power of GOD. HE is LORD of LORDs, King of kings. What else he can’t do for us? Even be a doctor with medicine also HE is able. Every time I feeling unwell, I pray, then slowly I’m okay then especially migraine and headache. Furthermore, I’m always cold in class but not bringing any jacket, again I pray, it really not cold then. Praise HIS name.

22nd September 2009

2009-09-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

WOW~~WOW~~~What a wonderful days....Yesterday and today(21st-22nd September) were the days Pastor Kong Hee come to City Harvest Church,Kuching (CHC). I get to know it last Sunday. I was so excited that my favorite pastor from famous church is coming to talk to me live. I get to know him in YouTube. Since I came to UNIMAS further study, I lost the connection with GOD which I don't even have a single christian song when I need to worship him and get support from him. I start to look for Christian song in YouTube which I also forgot why I used YouTube to find the songs. I found a lot of video that worshiping and I saw one video was Pastor Kong's preach. The video clip was short (about 2-3 minutes). His words touch me even it just a simple sentence. I knew him through this video. I wish I could find a longer preach from him, but I could not find a single (ar..Maybe is I stupid in searching such thing or it need us to pay for it. As you know, YouTube download video for FREE and nothing is free in this world but need sacrifice for it). I always think I might be not have a single chance to meet this "celebrity pastor" in my whole life unless I go to Singapore then go to his CHC in Singapore. Unbelievable, he will come to CHC, Kuching and talk to me. LIVE~~cool~~ I did prayed to GOD that GOD please let me know the solution to solve my relationship problem through his mouth. It did happen in the first day of his preaching. Halleluyah~~Praise the GOD. Both preaches just like go straight to my heart and GOD speak to me what should I do. Thanks GOD. Besides that, I got a free gift from Pastor Kong. When he asked who want it, I raise my hand high and my friend also help to put my another hand on high. He gave it to me. Halleluyah.. That's what I need for now. After the service, I came to ask her that why she put my hand up, she answered me that's the first thinking crossed her mind. I do believe that GOD really want me to have it. The gift was a series of audio CDs. The title is "Choosing the Right Partner for Life". The blessed night I ever had.

Second day of service came. 10am with the leadership training. GOD do not want us to just stay in first space which is Christianity but go to second space, marketplace(Education, Entertainment, Media, Business) then we will reach the highest level in Christ. The third space is the connection with the influence person in the higher hierarchy of a country/world. With the help and support of these stage of people, we will be easier to spread HIS love and win more spirit for GOD. Night service at 7pm start with a great worship team from CHC, Singapore. All the while, they will worship first before Pastor Kong goes up to stage. This is how they look like when practice before the service start. Today, I only got the chance to take photo because busy with serving the presents. Besides that, we got to take some pictures before they start their practice. The gold chance took photo with them because we only can see them in TV or else go to CHC, Singapore. Even you can see them but does not mean that you also have the chance to take photo with them. They are so serious even just in practice.

He look like Korean singer but I cant recall the name of the singer. He lead lots songs in CHC, Singapore especially rap song.

The singer that I love the most which sing Heaven. same height with me.:) He wrote a lot of nice songs. His voice also fantastic. That's where his position is for serving GOD. I still can't find mine. Hope to find it soon.

this picture is to pleased Aaron Tai. He only take picture with the one he know and he think is famous. I do not think so, they are great singers.

To please Cindy. She is the one help me get the CDs. Holy hand that GOD used for giving me what I need. Halleluyah..

their practice 001--almost perfect:)

Main singer was HOT. Her voice so powerful. Pity them sing all the way for us and non-stop start from their CHC, Singapore Sunday service. In these two days, thanks for it my friends. Good luck in your next session in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah tomorrow(23rd).

"Barbie doll" in worship team drinking water. She is so pretty and Kawaii. Her voice also powerful.

Bass is so handsome...try to find a chance to take photo with him but they seem busy practice so maybe end of service. When it's end, everyone busy taking photo with Pastor Kong Hee and we are rushing for van. Maybe next year in here again.:)

Sorry friends, it's blur because cheap cell phone.

15th September 2009

2009-09-15T05:07:00.000-07:00

The bridge make me miss about him. When I went over the bridge for a dinner just now, the moment he called me during 25th August 2009 01:25pm while I walked on bridge for a lunch come into my mind. Suddenly, I feel so irritate about it. I still cannot accept that incident. I still cannot forgive myself to let him go at that time. If that time he called me, I tell him, then everything will be happy ending. Why am I so stupid choose to face it alone? Should I be a selfish people for self hapiness? If that time I become selfish person, then I will not so sad and hurt right now. I hate myself right now. I cannot do anything to change it, I cannot say anything, I hate this kind of situation which I cannot do anything to change the situation that I'm not comfort with it. When I see back all the pictures I took since I got my camera cell phone, I realized that I delete all the picture that I took with him. After I broke up with him, I still kept it in my laptop and Facebook. Since I realize he had a new gf, I delete all of them when I'm angry and crying. Now, I regret with my temper at that time. Now, I do not have any memory to see back but only can retrieve from Long Term Memory. These picture remind me of our love.

Both if these pictures took during Sea Ya event at Jusco Bukit Mertajam. The sotong remind me about his promise to buy me a turtle when I back from UNIMAS. This book remind me about our shopping in Popular. I very happy at that day because we went shopping for the whole day. I really do not want to forget about him but I have to, I have no choice.

This picture/photo took by him. I still remember I went to cut my hair and do temporary straighthening. This "sexy" clothes I seldom wear since I bought it when shopping with him. Honestly, I wore this is because of him. Guy wish to see his gf wear sexy, because proud to bring out together. So I did it for him. This the only picture that I keep where I took in his car.

Another picture also remind me about him. Every picture that I took in Penang when I with him, though is not the picture is only me.

This is the necklace that he gave me for my 20th birthday before I came to sarawak. On that day, he gave me and wear it for me. This is the necklace we went to mistery shopping. We cannot take it unless we use money to buy it. I miss you. Do you still remember these memories? Do you still keep our picture? Do you miss me when you see any place or picture that share our memories? I still hope all these do not happen and I'm still in dream. But it is impossible. Regret still deep in my heart. No one can understand better than me. I love you. Is that real which you are not the one that GOD give to me? Time will tell everything. GOD love to make joke with me. HE always want me to WAIT. I always cannot wait, and do what I want. If that time I wait few days, then the end is not like this. 《恶作剧之吻》make me remember about our tacit/empathy. We put the default ringtone for each other call is the chorus of this song. It is not coincidence. I do believe it. I understand that I need to forget him but it is not as easy as said. I need time.(-.-)

8th september 2009

2009-09-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

When he told me that he had a new gf,my heart broken. I should expect this once the day I said to break and change our relationship into friend.If I do not want him anymore,then I can say break but not change status itself.He seem to angry at me when I said it.If I look back at the post he made in Facebook,he found comfort in someone else after 1week we broke.What does this mean?I thought he is still loyal to me and might wait for me in another 3years even though I asked him to find a better one if he could.This is what I want but deeply in my heart I do not wish to see him with other girl.How contradict a girl is.I should have tell him clearly about this.Regret in my heart.I wish all these were just a dream,but it is impossible.I lost him since I said to break.What I trying to do now as I keep posting my feeling in Facebook?Is it I wish he could back to me?Pityness will bring him back?But if he really back,he is still suffer.He has a gf just like none as I'm in so far and cannot accompany him all the time.Hapiness is when you need him/her,he/she will with you that time.His friend said there must be a reason behind it,but if he is belong to me,he definitely will back to me when I'm ready to accept him back.I hope so he is belong to me.Lesson from this incident,I can tell and persuade myself do not really love someone with full of the heart but must pull back most of it for self use.I still cannot control myself to see his profile,photo,video,letter,sms,etc.All these just small matter during previous time but huge for me now.I need time to forget him.Sometime I ask myself,should I forget him or just make it happen neutrally.I swear this is my first time to be so hurt.I always face the situation that I cannot do anything but just look at it happen.

Is it really I ♥ him or I feel that he is mine but cannot be owned by other girl?Because of ♥,I need to let him go.Nothing else I can do for now.I just need to stand still and wait.Wait for them to break?Maybe.In case both of them marry,I will still wait.While waiting I can still look for my ideal partner.This time I need to set the rule.As my roomie said,wait the love to come but not search for it.I agree with it.I can live better even without him.I still keep the letter,bear and necklace he gave me during last year chrismast.best memory about the process he gave the present to me.He need to go Hong Kong with his family so he asked my friend to pass it to me on that day.I'm touched.It's time for me to focus on study.He not mine anymore.He will be mine when he back to me and it will be an ending that we both hapy ever after(he is mine forever).

bye~~I will going on with my life so do you.We shall decide it again after three years.Maybe you are going to marry after 3years,but I'm still will love you.When I remember about it,I shall recall that there was a charming prince sing song to me when I cannot sleep,tell stupid joke just to see me smile,change topic when I'm upset to shoft my attention, buy food for me when I hungry because I got no transport to go buy, hug me when I need hug, bring me go have a walk when I request, give me advice when I'm lost, scold me when I did wrong, accompany me when my mum pass away, learn to write chinese sms to me, bring me along when meet with his friends, introduce his friends to me, eat delicious food together, find the delicios food..............I shall remember these sweet moments. I will be happy because we had sweet moment together but won't sad of leaving.Baby,I love you.This is what I want you to do so that you won't suffer anymore.The moment I choose to face it alone,I should have expected that no one will accompany me to go along this road.

4th september 2009

2009-09-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

Miss him. When I post this on my Facebook and MSN, he saw that. he told me to forget him if that post is towards him. He told me he has new gf. He thought to tell me after I back Penang, but he feel it's the time to tell me the truth. We broke up not more than two months but he got a new gf. Why can't he wait? Every words that he told me before this were LIE! Love me will end up like this? I just cant stop crying. REGRET. I should not come to Sarawak, should not break up with him, ..... GOD lead me here definitely will have HIS plan but I don't understand. WHAT IS LOVE?

30th August 2009

2009-08-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, TMX1010 tutor(M.Hafizan) announced my group proposal is the best among them. It's my job. I'm happy with it. Wee~:) Hope this will also apply on my other assignment. It had been few group assignments I did everything except TITAS because I'm not good at history and Bahasa Malaysia. Their reason to let me do everything is my English better than them. I just got Band 4 in MUET and it's lower grade in it. I divide the job among them, they just gave me their "cut and paste" technique. They cut straight from text book without processing which is the answer. My uncle told me it is good if I got the chance to do everything. I learned. I agree with it, so I will not complain anymore and will praise more to GOD due to HIS work in helping me finish the assignments.

I took few picture of my appartment house without knowing that her "personal stuff" hanging there than I post it and tag her place. She angry at it because her place so messy and I some more tag her in Facebook. Furthermore, her "personal stuff" should be clean before I take the picture. She mentioned the word "lecture". I know I did wrong but she always think that she's right all the time. I can accept when others tell me my mistake but the way she talked to me make me feel I'm not worth to be on this Earth. My pastor told me you can change to better personality but cannot ignore the greatness of GOD create you. HE create you as a very special person in HIS eye. Everything HE take it as very important jewel. I tell you all, do not look down at HIS creation. HE will ask you to pay for it. HIS sons and daughters are not suppose to help GOD punish them. GOD has his way that human will never understand. GOD told his word in Bible that we need to forgive people like how HE forgive us. HE send HIS son, JESUS to pay our depth. Nothing can be greater than this. Therefore, I'm learning how to forgive people all the time. Although forgive one person look easy but when you really do it, you will find out harder than what you expect. With the help of HIM, nothing is impossible.

25th August 2009

2009-08-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to Intoduction to Cognitive Science class. The lecturer told us about the assignment need to be pass up next week. OMG!! How can we finish it? This is the first assignment in this subject for first sem of first. After all other assignment of other subjects, I can conclude that leader and english better than the "Sarawakians" is not good. They will ask to do everything with the reason of my english better than them. My lecturer mentioned about majority Chinese is the ethnic that very hardworking logically, Malays came from the word of malas and named by western people, and Indians work in very fast speed and good in debating like lawyers can be suited them definitely.

Another few more like CogLab experiment report, Cognitive Psychology case studies(2), Business mathematics and TITAS test this Friday. I just wish to be a quiet person and lt others in my group do everything but they seem do not care about it. If I do not do anything I also going to get zero for all my assignments. Stress. I hate the life in university because the "M which include the S"so LAZY. I hate the life here because I got not enough sleep and the food here not nice at all. I think I slowly get to what I want to do. I already did my promise which do not bother anything about him and her. Today only the first day, there are so many days after this still. GOD will help me in everything.

I got 9.3 in my EPP role play. I'm happy with it.hee

24th August 2009

2009-08-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

It have been so many days that I do not write a post for my diary. What had happend in past few days? Nothing special. Maybe is special for someone but that's not my business anymore. My concern stressful for him. I just care him as a friend. He still think that I will spoil his plan chasing her. He answered that, he has the right to eat alone. What a F*** reason! I will do that to all of my friends. He just same like her, never say "NO" to someone when they do not even want to do it. Whole gang of us do not really like him due to some reason about her, they do not welcome him to join us. But as a friend, I will definitely ask him out because I see he always eating alone. I told him, should not friend me back after our huge fight. I swear I do not want to listen anything about him anymore. This will take time for sure. She always keep telling me about him when I decided not to give him any stress. Is it she just want me to be her listener or want me to jealous about what she able to get but not me. When she in bad mood, better do not go near her and talk to her. She is scary when she in bad mood. Maybe someone like her when she in bad mood. I can accept that if she cannot help if she tell out. I just need some time to accept it. She should tell me honestly if she cannot help. Homesick is not wrong. I always put family and friends first. She will never understand my situation. Luckily, I still have two more close friends that can understand my situation especially her.

Few days more TITAS mid semester test but I just prepare first chapter only. One week break I did nothing other than sleep,eat,watch movie,hang out and assignment(few simle one). At first thought of study and done everything that I should do like finish up all the assignment. At the end, one week break is short and not as long as what I think before last week. At that time, I'm worried on how to pass this long week.

my diary*_*

我爱我的星座: 天生相克的星座

Valentine's Day - R&B Songs to Say I Love You

Jessie Malakouti key to the city

top 5 r&b love songs 2010

想你，却不打扰你，是因为太爱你了(Specially for WL)

七夕情人节

April 28, 2010

April 24, 2010

April 22, 2010

April 18, 2010

February 6, 2010

January 16, 2010

January 1, 2010

November 28, 2009

November 12, 2009

November 8, 2009

November 2, 2009

30th~31st October 2009

23rd October 2009

20th October 2009

22nd September 2009

15th September 2009

8th september 2009

4th september 2009

30th August 2009

25th August 2009

24th August 2009

my diary_